*Ahem*

Flu like mine + laryngitis + *cough*cough* = One miserable Reej

Who cares if I'm still a kid..

My favorite things:

1. A sheepish smile instead of flowers and chocolate as an apology after a fight

2. Dancing in the rain to the cheapest song in the world

3. Talking all night long over Oasis and Pearl Jam and then sitting on the rooftop to see the sun rise the next morning with a best friend

4. Knowing the right words to say at the right time... that rare, uncatchable moment that just never happens again and passes you by

5. The feeling of being loved

6. Meeting someone from my past, in the present, to find that some things (good and bad) just never change

7. Memorizing the lyrics to every song I've ever fallen in love with

8. Waking up in the morning and realizing there are still 3 minutes to go before the time my alarm's set at

9. Dancing like there's no tomorrow

10. Loving people who don't love me back, just to feel the hurt that makes me realize I'm alive

11. Crying over the tiniest of problems only because I know there will be a certain someone by my side catching my every tear

12. Writing in my blog or my diary in different colors, pretending they really mean something in my life

13. Compliments that only people I love give me, only because they love me... like how I look beautiful when I cry, and how I'm a darling when I'm angry... compliments that to other people are reasons to get totally put off by me

14. Seeing the smiles on the faces of my parents and the people that love me when I do something exceptionally nice for them, or something to make them proud

15. Gifts like a mobile casing I was in desperate need of, or a chocolate that I love that couldn't be found in any store in the city that someone bothered to find for me

16. Hugs when when they're most needed

17. Hugs when they're least needed and least expected

18. Spur of the moment love-confessions

19. Spur of the moment everythings

20. My best friend who hates me

Henna

I love Mehndi (:

I don't like the smell though *scrunching up nose*

Express!

Please! For the love of God, express yourself! Speak your mind, talk to me, explain what's going on in that jumbled up universe they call your brain!

Why is it so difficult for you to talk to me? Why is it so hard for you to just come up to me and say 'hey, psycho, I need you, you hear me?... can you be there for me like I've been there for you a million times? Can you pick up the phone and call me like I've called you countless numbers of times just to hear you talk about anything and everything under the sun, most of which I'm not interested in knowing in the first place?'

Please learn to trust me the way I trust you. Can you, just once... just this once, give me 200% of your trust.

You don't need to gift-wrap your thoughts and feelings and don them with colorful paper, ribbon, glitter, gold and silver. You don't have to make them sound 'right' or 'correct' or 'nice' or 'good'... all those words synonymous to normal in the thesaurus of your life. Give it to me like it is, I will take it like it is and give it back to you the same real way!

Try!

Random quote

Without Music, life would be a mistake - Nietzche

Growing up like me

I am back!

Hmmmmm, I'll bet no one really acknowledged the rarity of my existence while I was away exploring the non-depths of me... but I thought I'd announce my re-arrival (is that a word?) into the blogworld in bold bluey-greeny letters just to make myself happy! *smile*smile*

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds,
Strewn across a blue blanket..
I lean against the wind..
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy..!

So where have I been? I've been around the world... my own, that is. I've been on a trip to everywhere, explored all there was to explore in myself and the people around me...... needless to say that less was worth it than not! Someone I thought was a kindred spirit turned out to be just that... but the bitter realization struck me that maybe I just wasn't the kindred spirit he was looking for in his best-friendship with me... Somewhere, I could feel the long, bitter, achingly painful, with-a-lump-in-the-throat wait that he so patiently (and at times, impatiently) stuck by me through.... just to figure that in the end, I wasn't the person he thought I was. Someone who had adored me, swore by the things I said, the things I did... someone who worshipped not just the ground I walked upon, but also everything on it that I touched or happened to pass by... someone who could recognize me by the smell of my perfume from a mile away, someone who would spend countless nights awake wondering when he would see me next and when he did, regardless of the bitter, hurting words we had exchanged the day before, couldn't help smiling at the sight of my not-so-becoming, quite ragged appearance when he chanced to finally see me. I lost the most beautiful friend of my life. To call him a friend would be injustice... sacreligious injustice to his very existence in my life. And to realize after a period of over three and a half years of being spoiled by this individual, that you turned out to be the world's biggest disappointment for him is just a major bummer. Feels like someone has just slapped you in the face and brought you back to the reality (very harshly) that you really ain't all that and were never worth worshipping in the first place. Yes... *ouch* is the word I'm looking for here.

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone..

I guess it's true after all... when someone that important to you just isn't there one morning when you wake up... has just disappeared from your life but not entirely from your world.... you don't remember the bad things. You don't hang on to bad memories, grudges and exchanged bitterness. You can only hang on to what was precious and those could only be the good memories. And it's then that you realize how shallow the world really is. It's then that you realize that nothing was worth hurting yourself and others for,when in the end........ YOU JUST WON'T REMEMBER IT bhai! Putting it in simpler words... a year from now, someone will ask me why me and him just stopped talking. And quite frankly, I know I will feel stupid. And so will he. Because right now we know... a year later, we will remember.... and a year after that we won't. Who knows what will happen after that. Maybe it'll be a Hindi-movie reunion between koom-ke-melay mei bichray huay bachpan ke dost! Who knows *shrug*.

Hey, excuse me for being dramatic, but my life is no less of a drama than I am...

Well, okay... maybe just a little bit less of one... :/ Just a little bit okay?..

So that was one very long, very descriptive paragraph about God knows what (in the language of your thoughts, reader).

A natural high that I've recently discovered in all my lonely, friendless, lowwe-less, contemplative, pondering days of the recent past, is this: Sitting in a faaaaar off corner someplace where you can see almost everyone around you, and hardly anyone around you can see you... (or even if they could, they wouldn't bother looking that way cause you're pretty much non-existent remember?) and laughing at everyone who goes past you. Laugh at the way they walk, laugh at the way they talk, the way they think they're all-that, when they're really errrr... NOT? Laugh at the way they look at you when they realize you're looking, laugh at the way they think they're better off than lil-ol-you-sitting-in-the-corner-alone and the way you KNOW that one day the tables will have turned (cause that's what those tables always do, don't they?). And THATTTTTTTT, my friends, is my latest, meanest, cruelest, devillishly funnest high of the year 2005 and I only JUST realized how often I do it when I'm alone! *grin*

So I'm a loner. I don't mind. Cause after my long, hard journey through the life of Reej, at the end of the day, I breathe a sigh of relief. Relief of a higher degree, than the kind a mere sentence such as the one I just wrote describing my sigh, can really explain in its deepest context. Whether it's relief that it's over, or that it isn't... I'm not quite sure. A mixture of relief, remorse, bitterness, self-condemnation, inner satisfaction and.. and anything else that any normal (or not so normal) human being like myself has ever felt. It's overwhelming to feel so many things all at one time... and enlightening in a way. It's beautiful. I am content.

Some of my all-time favorites....

Quake Shmake

Why is God testing us this way? What was the fault of those innocent people trapped under the debris... some of which were taken out in parts, some in full... out of which some survived, some died, and some were left somewhere in the inbetween with missing limbs, tears and no prospects of a happy future to be found in the mists of later? Why? Why why why?

Being the selfish person I am, I immediatly find myself thinking..... they say that God picks up those people from the earth before their time, that are dear to him... He only brings suffering upon the people He chooses to forgive of sins and bad deeds. It makes me wonder, have I sinned so badly that God just didn't want to forgive me? That I was not one of the chosen ones not because of time or location, but because I was not worthy of being called up there to a better place than this one? What is it that defines our 'time to leave'.... How can it be right when a 17 year old boy is called up there by Him? How can it be fair to take from a father, a mother, and a brother, a little 5-year old girl who fasted for the very first day that day and called her brother up at Sehri time to tell him proudly that it was her first 'roza' not knowing that it would not even last one whole day? How can it be fair to hear the voice of a boy begging from under the debris, to be fed some food and sent some water through a hole.... and still not be able to find him? What did God want to prove to us by wiping out entire khandaans... and leaving just one innocent man from an entire family who was just by chance, gone for Umrah and doesn't have a single clue that he's the only one left (minus 1 single cousin) out of an extended family of 60? How does that do justice to the creation of mankind...? There has to be a reason... I wish I knew it. I wish that if God wanted to punish us for our sins.. for our wrong doings... he had punished us all and not just a selective few thousands.

The things I'm hearing. The things I'm seeing... I'm still calling and texting all my friends to find out if everyone is okay... praying that everyone is fine.

I wish I could text God and ask him to stop...

*Gulp*

It's that lump-in-the-throat sadness again. A wave of unfathomable nostalgia overcomes me. I don't know what it is I'm missing... but I want it back.

What have I become, my sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

It sounds so simple. But it's about more than just people and relationships and emotions and unreciprocated feelings, isn't it? Yup... it always is. It's more about the internal battle within me. Battle? I think the battle just sort of ummm dissolved a long time ago... I'm not quite sure of whether to be joyous of my victory, or to be confused as to why I floated above the dirt rising from the sword fight in the desert of time that I was, *dhuzz*, right in the middle of not so long ago. I'm not quite sure I like what I see from up here. I'm not quite so sure I don't. The second thought is the scarier of the two.

When did I drift into this oblivion. I feel very suspiciously... (and disturbingly!) like one of those Indian whatchamacallits that walk over burning coals and don't feel a thing, emerging on the other end of the road with a big toothy grin on their faces, seemingly oblivious of what they have achieved. Is it even an achievement, or my life's biggest loss.. the loss of feelings?

Can't complain.

It all seems real, but I'm dreaming.
It's all over, but I'm still reeling.

Yaay, I rhyme. I don't feel, but I rhyme..... it's progress...

I think.

Hmmm

'Hum bhool jayen gay woh yadain sabhi...
Woh rangon se saji huee jo dunya thee kabhi...'

Noori - Aarzoo

A must-listen-to song...

When is it really over?

Don't tell me that it's over and expect me to understand. Did you really hope that the fact that you're being honest about it, would really be of any consolation to me? It's all very cliched really. Childish and cliched. My entire life has been the very essence of the word 'cliche'.

Kill the beast inside, that wants to lock you in...
My love is my obsession... your hate, my only sin

And another one...

Before is better left behind,
Instead it is just me..
Taken the place of yesterday
Pain becomes me

Donned and dressed in tattered rags
Behold forever, the new me
For every now and every then...
Dramatized reality

Over the course of these few years, many tears and those uncountable times I compromised for you... did you ever even notice for a second, the emotions I was capable of feeling? Did you think that the only relationship that ever existed between two people could be only of 'love'? That 'cliched' word again? Heh... you were badly mistaken.

The spectrum of my emotions has a million colors more than those that could ever be made to exist in your 2 dimensional prism of black and white.

How many times have you told me it's over... the way a relationship is over, the way a boy and a girl say 'it's over' and walk away from each other content that for the first time in their lives they have done something, taken a stand for what they believed in instead of falling prey to that dangerous word they call 'compromise'? God forbid, you should ever have to compromise, right? God forbid it should be you who has to cry a river of tears and wipe each one away on your own, simply because you can not expect the other person to do what you are so good at... compromising. You belong to a different world, I tried to make you a part of mine because you were so dear to me that I never even noticed that we were made from different materials... you from dust and I, from stardust. I am 10 times the person you could ever even hope to be. Because I am capable of feeling things that you do not even know exist in the blackness of your starless sky of emotions! I am capable of seeing through every effing lie, every pretentious laugh, every dramatic goodbye, all the shit that you gave to me all these years.... I am capable of it because I am not black and white. I can be rainbowy and I can be gray... but I can not be black and white. There is more to life for me than relationships, tears, marriage and 'laav'! Fuck love.

Did you really think that I would not see the hatred in your eyes? Hatred. Hate is a strong word. A word most people think they know the meaning of, but never really can or will. That hate, the hate that only I have seen... was the only emotion I ever saw in your eyes. Apart from lust? Greed? Temptation? It was the only emotion worth noticing in the shallow non-depths of your cold, unseeing eyes.

Like I said... The spectrum of my emotions has a million colors more than those that could ever be made to exist in your 2 dimensional prism of black and white.

I am not from your world. You can never be from mine. Be gone.

*Ahem*

It didn't last very long

lol

(:

So much for that

;)

*sings*

Hope rides onnnnn
But I’ll go anywhere
Yes, I’ll go anyyyywhere with you
Tiiiime has gone
But I’ll go anywherrre
Yes, I’ll go anyyywherrre with you

Delicious! Life is just yummy (:

Last semester blues

I've got the last semester blues. Not the kind that are heart-wrenching cries of woe concerned with leaving the university where it allll begannnn... but more on the lines of, why didn't I study for 3 years and how do I fit everything I need to know now into just 5 courses! Ugh!

Managerial Accounting or Strategic Marketing?

What is up with majoring in something? I think I've majored in everything by accident, and no one even noticed.. not even me, till now! Matlab kay... koi help hee karday.

Born again

An unwanted child.

A child that was not supposed to be conceived. When conceived, it was decided it had to be a boy. Everyone had decided what they wanted him to be, what he would be called, how much they would love him and spoil him. 9 months were spent anticipating the birth of this more-than-welcome accidental conception, simply because he would be a boy and a boy always meant happiness in those days.

He was born.

He was not a boy.

He was she...

She was disappointment.

She was me.

Self discovery

I noticed a very strange side to my personality today. It made me realize why the opinions of the population of people who know me vary so drastically from one extreme to the other. Either they hate me to the core of their everloving hearts... or they love me with all they have (and wish they had, at times).

I have a strange Jekyll and Hyde personality (is that how you spell it by the way?!). When I talk, I've been told my eyes light up and you can see the happiness in them... the animation, in everything I say and do.... because I do it with that certain flair of excitement that gets me completely engrossed and overly enthusiastic about everything I do. At the same time, there'll be a million and one thoughts running through my head... most of them, not so happy after all. Let's start with an example. Monday morning was my first day at uni after summer hols... I had the time of my life... things were going great... I was my usual, grinning self with all the right words to say and all the attitude that came with being a happy, self-satisfied person. The same night, a wave of depression hit me and I began to cry...... cry like I've never cried before... complete with hiccups, red nose and emphatic noises (yup, not a very pretty picture if you've seen me without all that lol).

I'm bored... I don't want to write anymore... Good night (:

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

Hello...
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.

When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
There'll be no more -- Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working.
Good. That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

Satrangi

As usual, another blog inspired me to write on this. Makes me wonder if I really have even an inkling of a brain left in there. A big black hole where my mind used to be... help...

So according to this blog I visited recently in my search-for-better-bloggers... I came across a piece that shed light on the meaning of 'Satrangi' in Arabic Literature. Turns out that satrangi is actually the way the phenomenon of love is classified into 7 different categories (as opposed to our own theory of satrangi meaning the 7 colors of something or the other).

Hub - Attraction
Uns - Infatuation
Ishq - Love
Aqeedat - Reverence (respect)
Ibaadat - Worship
Junoon - Obsession
Maut - Death

And so, one begins to ponder over how easily the Arabs have put attraction, infatuation, reverence, worship, obsession and death all into one word that classifies the different stages of love right? After I entered my teens... reached the age where I became aware of that word, the phenomena and everything else that goes with it... I was forced to believe (either by myself, or by someone else) that attraction, infatuation, worship, obsession... and all that, are different... possibly lower forms of emotion and feeling than the supreme love. Always.. and I do mean always, I fought that internal battle inside me whenever I felt one of the above... thinking no, that can't be right... everything starts with attraction... everything leads to infatuation... its whether it gets past that stage that determines whether you're really in love or not.

This philosophy is new, and beautiful to me. It makes me feel less like a sinner... and more like a human being to know this. It's not hard to guess why..

Blog bliss baybee

I never write in a normal sized font.... why? I don't know why... I'm asking you, idiot.. :/

I'm sitting here searching randomly for blogs worth reading, and all of a sudden I came across so many that I couldn't copy-paste them fast enough into my lists of 'Thought provokers and interesting blogs'... or the 'Other insanity purges like my own' list..! Aaah, blog bliss baybee! ;) There is hopppppe yet for intellect in this worlddd...... to find people who KNOW what they're talking about.... or so deliciously, do NOT know what they're talking about that it just doesn't even matter at the end of the day! :) I r onnnne happy blogger bayBeE!

Superman

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do
And nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

-- Lifehouse - You and Me

I can already predict that this is going to be the most absurd of any piece ever written by the likes of me *grins*, I can feel it in my bones... but oh well... here goes....

I am broken. I am at a stage in my ever-evolving distress-scenarios of life where I need a rescuer... someone who will whizz me away on a jet plane far far away from the cruel remarks and bitter remorse of the world... someone who will save me... who will pick up all the scattered pieces of me... some of which will be impossible to retrieve... someone who will love me for every piece he picks up and embellishes with his own name. Someone who will fill up those missing pieces himself instead of trying to find them amongst the shattered ones that lay on the ground beneath where I once was.

I was once alive. I had a life, dreams, faith, hope... and above all, a personality. Now.. I just don't. Maybe the change in my style of writing can reflect all that I'm saying. Maybe it could more simply be explained by describing the key very-moving personalities in my life...

I know a boy with the eyes of an angel.. a soul that was embraced by one... and a voice no less than that which belongs only in dreams. If it were possible in any way to hear, see or touch a dream, it would sound, look and feel like him and him alone. A boy who knows everything... knows me... touches me to the depths further than others can even hope to see.

I know a boy with love that could shatter mountains, if only a feeling could move earthly objects. A boy who looks at me and sees someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with... a boy who would easily die for me and never look at me remorsefully if he chanced to run into me in another life. A boy who's eyes I can see myself and only myself in... a boy who even I can have faith in, who even I can believe the love of.... whereas I am the biggest disbeliever in any such phenomenon.

I know a boy with the dream of a home, a good job and of a wife like me. A boy who would steadily, surely and happily make his way through life knowing that I was by his side. I know this boy who dreams of marrying me, and making my life heaven if he could. A boy who believes I am the last girl that will ever be (or not be) in his life.

I know a girl who knows me better then any boy, or any girl, or any parent, or any sibling could ever know me. A girl who knows when I'm faking a smile, or pondering the actions of an unknown person infront of me, or wanting to say no but still saying yes, or wanting to say yes and still saying no. A girl who wants nothing more than to marry me off to someone..... anyone... that she knows and can trust with me. A girl who will never be able to see me give my life to someone that she doesn't think deserves me and can keep me happier than just happy.

So here I am... looking for my superman.... but I can't find him.
My dream doesn't want me
My eternal lover is my best friend
My faithful admirer does not understand me...
And my beautiful well-wisher is so incredibly far away, that I can't even call her half the time I need her to rescue me.

*sigh*.... So much for that.
I told you this would be absurd..

Another One...

What's Your Philosophy?

Optimist 5 optimism, 6 faith, and 1 logic!

Optimists are a dying breed in this day and age. To the optimists, the world is a positive place. Everything is inherently good, and all things will work out in the end. They believe violence will one day be replaced with logic and reason, and that all religions can coexisist peacefully. These are the people who always see the glass half full, and believe that we live in the best possible world. Famous optimists include: Gottfried Leibniz, William Godwin. The opposite of Optimism is Skepticism.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 94% on optimism You scored higher than 99% on faith You scored higher than 23% on logic

Another bunch of tests....

I think I've already done this test actually, but as usual, I was inspired by Sin Cater to do it all over again and some others... :P Sorry Sin Cater, forgivvvvve me once again for aping you ;)

---------------------------------------------------

How old are u at heart?

brought to you by Quizilla



you're in between a teenager and child...loyal to
your friends, and can be abit rebellious
too!!!!

---------------------------------------------------

What can people see in your eyes?

brought to you by Quizilla



People see happiness in your eyes! You are most
likely a really awesome person who trys to
enjoy life. You can usually see the good in any
situation or person. You bring joy wherever you
go in life and probably have a really good set
of friends. But sometimes you may strive too
hard to be happy and may try to fool yourself
and others. In this case, it's not good to hold
in your feelings, and you should try to find
someone to talk to about what's bothering you
instead of covering it up. But, all in all you
usually get over these situations quickly and
can continue living life to its fullest! Go
you! ^_^

....

Since I can't think of a topic intelligent (or even remotely substantial) enough to discuss on my wonderful blog (gosh, I missed yoooou *hug to page*) even after a full 2 months of nursing my idle mind and letting it brim with devillish thoughts and ideas.... I think I'll just resort to describing my 2 month vacation away from this hell hole! (: Okkkay, 'hellhole' wasn't a word I needed to use, but I overused my English in the sentence above so I thought it needed to be broken down a little.... plus, it needed to sound more like the real me *sheepish grin* :D So there I was...

I landed in the land of those that I had thought would look down their noses at me as some kind of foreign insect... or at the very least, a terrorist with a beard and an oonchi shalwaar looking to destroy their nation with planes and guns. I was so incredibly wrong, it just isn't even funny anymore. Aaaaah, those 2 months *clouds filled with beautiful pictures forming above head*.... they were.... beautiful. I can think of no other word that would do justice to my escape. The Great Escape. No, I didn't party, I didn't smoke or drink or dance or go clubbing even once. But there's a certain beautiful, wonderful, absolutely SWEET feeling that goes with being around 2 of the most adorabe 3-year-old girls in the entire universe and the most handsome little 6-year old (who could talk you out of house and home if he wanted to at any given time of the day.. or night).... that just can't compare to any kind of random fun you could even hope to experience in your life. In case anyone was wondering, I was referring to my nephew and twin nieces *smiles proudly*..

Words just can not do justice (or anything close to it) to all the feelings associated with everything ranging from a simple childish 'why?' to the warmest of warm hugs that you wouldn't possibly be able to guess that such tiny little dimpled arms could muster, compared to the hugs of any random person around you in your life being able to give you. There is my little one who would grace me every now and then with her home-made, sleep-made, dream-made stories that somehow always began with an 'I was born in the swimming pool... and then a doggy came in.... and then we went upstairs to my roOom...' and so on and so forth... (: ... and then there was my 3-minute-older one that would upon doing the most horribly scandalizing stunts (like casually pulling down her brother's window blinds seemingly quite effortlessly with a serene smile on her face) quietly ask me in a hushed whisper... 'haala?... are you ghussa?' with the most innocent expression you could imagine on her tiny little pareshaan face. Aaaah the melting theory. The tactics they will use against their unsuspecting, evil khalaas!

The art of melting the stone-coldest of hearts... and mine perfected it the very day they were born.... seemingly quite effortlessly again...

(:

The Rat Race...

Stolen from someone and very happily so..... (: thank you Sin Cater! This rat salutes u!

People born in the year of the RAT are blessed with great personal charm. The Rat is adaptable, aggressive, and creative. Rat people are hard working, thrifty, and can save a lot of money. They are elegant by nature and strive for the better things in life. Bright and gregarious, rat's intellectual versatility is not always immediately recognized. Rat people make good business people, accountants, and bankers.

You are imaginative, charming, and truly generous to the person you love. However, you have a tendency to be quick-tempered and overly critical. You are also inclined to be somewhat of an opportunist. Born under this sign, you should be happy in sales or as a writer, critic, or publicist.
Some Rats: Charlotte Bronte, Truman Capote, Catherine I, Mata Hari, Wolfgang Mozart, William Shakespeare, George Washington.



If u want to read more in depth abt urself as a RAT....follow the link RAT....

http://www.cs.concordia.ca/~lzhang/Rat.htm

By who

What I had done to someone once has been done to me. If only I was younger these wounds would heal with time. I have been humiliated and raped of my self respect by she who I love. Today I know I am destined to be alone and I accept my fate but fear that facade of happiness I can wear no more. I have been wronged yet somehow it was all my fault, for letting blood amble through my heart that whispered only her name for years. Why was I born so vulnerable to her? I thought I would lose faith in God if I was forsaken again, but now I know he is there, punishing me for my sins and if I could i would ask him just one question.. was hell not enough for me?

Sorry someone, for pasting these lines here where they don't belong. I only wanted to put your words of harsh truth in a place where they could be cherished, by me at least. No, I do not scoff at your misfortune, nor do I find pleasure in making foolish show of your words that sting me deeper than you think they do... for reasons that I know you can guess. Nostalgia? A tang of regret perhaps? Maybe even a tiny sadness of that which I lost. I could have saved you. You chose not to let me, and I chose to let you not let me.

I know I am in no way concerned with your predicament, nor am I in the least bit in any position to do you any good or even harm at this point. I'm just an outsider. An outsider who knows you from the inside. An outsider who has been down the road you so recently visited.

I sound like a romantic fool who was once or still is involved somehow in this story... but that is not my intention. Maybe at this point, if you ever chance to read these meaningless words... just maybe, I could be your friend like I never was before. I wish I could be the shoulder you would cry on, the one you would lean on. For what is left from after we ceased to 'know' each other. I still know you. I want to be that masked figure who makes it so that you never remember all the pain that you went through... the one that leaves silently.... still masked.... once the deed is done. You are my child. My child that I crave to protect. Motherly, huh? ;) Ring a bell?

i need a hug..

:(

No U-Turns...

Hazy memories are all I've got left. I know most of the time I write from a third person perspective, but today I choose to write as myself, for myself and about myself. Why? Ummm... well, because I'm tired of explaining my twisted theories and philosophies and feelings from a universal point of view. I am not universal, why should my thoughts be? Time to become selfish... Let's see how well that goes for ME... hopefully as well as it goes for the rest of the selfish, unfeeling world. Yes... I am a bitter, bitter woman. No shit, Sherlock (:

I'm stuck in a moment in my life that I know everyone has been stuck in at some point in their lives or the other. But somehow, I feel it more. Why? Because I'm being selfish about my feelings today ofcourse... duh (: Plus, it's evident that I have lost all significant traces of a sense of humor too... even I don't feel like laughing at my own lame jokes today. *sigh*... wazzzAaaa? Okay, sorry. Wazza doesn't belong in a blog of such seriousness as my own. It belongs in my so-called 'real' life only, where my friends, family and other loved ones are the rulers and I am their puppet left to laugh at everyone's jokes, look out for everyone's feelings, and basically be a good little dog who can't really do much more then the occasional *grin* and the adoring looks when someone chances to pat me as they continue along their own pretty ways. Woof...

I'm standing in the middle of a whirlwind. Everything has gone so bizzarely wrong that I'm crouching down low in a circle of silence and emptiness where the world of people around me is revolving at a dangerously close proximity to my hiding place... bustling with activity, buzzing with the harsh words and bitter realities that life has offered me. Numbness. Is this what it means? When you're waiting for that disturbing circle of activity to slowly ease its way elsewhere and just... leave you alone? When all your life you've been the one that no one has paid attention to, no one has looked out for, no one has cared much for preserving the feelings of... and all of a sudden, when you want everyone to just leave... they all care all of a sudden? In all the wrong ways? And you find yourself... not appreciating the uncalled for concern.

I'm crouched down in my cave. I've been here so many times before. The walls that once so disturbingly echoed back all my screams of anguish, all of a sudden possess a glow of comfort. The tattered remnants of my memories that once brought tears to my eyes every time I chose to look upon them with loving eyes that once held a pool of longing for them, hold little meaning anymore. I scoff. I scoff in the faces of all those who were never there. I scoff at the times when I cried and nobody saw the tears that they are fighting so hard to keep away from my eyes today. I scoff at yes... God too. It seems as though it's a little late for You to realize I didn't deserve what you gave me back then. Is this the best You can do to make it up to me?

In my solitude, I have found eternal bliss. Get away from me, world. If the roads of my life should offer me a u-turn now that would have been a more-than-welcome blessing not even 2 days ago... I would reject it this moment and never regret my actions thereafter for once in my life. World, go away... I don't need you anymore (;

21 and shrinking

There has come a point in my 21 years where I've reached the conclusion that life has nothing left to offer me of great significance. They say that experience enriches your life... but I've reached a point where I've pretty much experienced, re-experienced and re-re-experienced just about everything that ever could have held meaningful importance in my life to begin with. So where do I go from here? There is no forward... there is no sideways.... no two experiences can run parallely to one another in terms of thrill, excitement, glamor, ecstacy, even misery. It's true isn't it... that even misery holds its own shiny new thrill. Somehow poetry just can't summarize that thrill anymore. Poetry that makes sense only to myself and not to anyone else... poetry that no one can relate to, simply due to the complexity of my own thoughts is just... meaningless. Meaningless to the world... and so the purpose is more or less feigned of even publicizing it to the world by posting it in my little meaningless blog. So I choose to write... to write down every thought that enters my labyrinth of a brain. Because as little as it may be... who knows? Maybe my words can touch someone's heart... and who knows, they may even reach the very people in my life that are the cause for these words, and this depth... when it visits me.

Fukitol

wouldn't that be awesome?

A Perfect Circle - Passive

Dead as dead can be
The doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your abilitiy to become
My perfect enemy

Wake up (why can't you)
and face me (come on now)
Don't play dead (don't play dead)
cuz maybe (because maybe)
Someday I'll walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
What you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up (why can't you)
and face me (come on now)
Don't play dead (don't play dead)
cuz maybe (because maybe)
Someday I'll walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way
Maybe you're better off this way
Maybe you're better off this way
Maybe you're better off this way

You're better off this
You're better off this
Maybe you're better off

Wake up (why can't you)
and face me (come on now)
Don't play dead (don't play dead)
cuz maybe (because maybe)
Someday I'll walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and play dead

Why can't you turn and face me
Why can't you turn and face me
Why can't you turn and face me
Why can't you turn and face me
You fucking disappoint me

Passive-aggressive bullshit
Passive-aggressive bullshit
Passive-aggressive bullshit.............

6 Questions...

The 6 Questions that were answered on the 8th of April, 2005. I just found them and pasted them from where I had previously posted them on someone else's blog...

Have you ever been in a relationship so special, so godly, so.. sacred, that you have not wanted to even name it for fear of tarnishing it's beautiful existence... for fear of scaring it away... scaring yourself away?

Have you ever been in such a relationship where a mere word.. a mere premonition.. a mere thought, could stain it and render it irrepairable as if it were made of tissue paper?

One sacreligious movement, one wrong turn can blow away the strongest boulder of faith as if it were no more resistant than a feather, a particle of dust in the wind. What are the words to describe the grievance felt when the second half of that heavenly pair utters that word, senses that premonition, lets that thought cross their mind, without a look your way?

How can you swim ashore when you feel everything inside you drowning under a sea of helplessness, when you feel like the only thing that you ever owned (although, in reality one owns and is god to many things, many many special things...) is slipping from your very fingers?

You can not. As much as this may seem to be a melodramatic description of what the modern world calls a 'break-up', it is not.. read between the lines. It's always about much more then owning and disowning. There is a fine, fine line that distinguishes a sacred bond from a mere connection between two people. A thin thread which when broken, can never be put back together again. You know it's much more serious then that when you don't even feel the urge, the longing to mend that thread.. when solace lies in silently accepting that there is no alternative but to move ahead and let the tide take you wherever it deems appropriate.

And the effect always remains...

How does one explain that to someone who will not understand? How can one justify that one will never be yours the way they once were?

One can not. I can not. You can not.

Don't You Wonder...?

I sometimes wonder... wouldn't life be so much better if we were still living in the yesterdays like our ancestors... our great - grandmoms and granddads... like our mothers and fathers? All these evils of society, this malicious gossip, these cheap forms of entertainment... this hatred among equals.... this hatred among the sexes... was it ever present in the old ages? If you sit down and really think about it... see back in the old ages, all men were alike...... they all shared the same common personality traits, the same moral values (with the exception of a selected few in the society that were considered abnormal because their personalities steered away from the general norms of the society). Similarly, all women were also alike... all were brought up to believe that they were inferior to men in some way... they were constantly reminded that they were to compromise in every situation to their patience's end.... especially when it came to their fathers, brothers and husbands. And then came around the issue of marriage...... very rarely did anyone ever have a choice... marriages were planned either at the birth time of boys and girls, through business relations or just old family ties or within families themselves....... errr... ok so maybe i shouldn't go SO far into the past :P hmmm khair, the fact of the matter issss... that marriages were mostly arranged. And even where they weren't... I can think of only VERY VERY rare cases where these marriages didn't work out... where these rishta's didn't break off due to insignificant causes such as incompatibility, on the basis of gossip or differences in opinions, thoughts and wavelengths of the two individuals involved. These days you see people making and breaking relationships as if they were mere TV serial episodes to last a half hour for one's own entertainment only... or for the entertainment of others in some cases. Everyone is of the stereotyped opinion that media, all-around-freedom and above all, education is what frees the mind.... that all these are what make the people of today so prosperous... so thriving. But aren't media, freedom and education what really caused us to become differing individuals with differing thoughts, morals, values and actions? And is all this 'difference' in each individual... that makes every female different from every other female, and every male different from every other male in terms of thinking, lifestyle, wants, needs, desires..... everything.... is this a vice or a virtue? One wonders..... aren't all these differences what cause the failed relationships... the broken marriages, the generation gaps... the gaps at individual levels...?

Vice......... *grin*............ but a very interesting one...... no?

Pass It On

Here's a list of things passed on from many bloggers. Copy it and put the things you've done in bold and add another thing at the end.

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sunrise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight (food be much delicious and powerful commodity to waste)
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger (ok, an acquaintance, but for all intents and purposes, a stranger)
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath/shower
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench-pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theatre
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to know about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honor of a woman.
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Lied
97. (the real 97) Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas.
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night-stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Moulin Rouge
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congressperson
133. Packed up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion, or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of 100mph or faster?
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery.
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: take, landing, during
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for his or her actions
175. Gone back to school (ok, yeah if visiting counts...)
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author whom you missed in school, and read him/ her
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch (tried to anyway)
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you.
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Lost your Best Friend for reasons of death
201: Fallen in love over the internet
202: Sung in a Barbers' Shop Quartet
203: Eaten a live animal
204: Been able to communicate in a language you barely learnt barely three days earlier. (twaday kinnay bacchay hain? :D :D) (ok, not been able to communicate well, but communicate nonetheless!)
205: Memorized words from all Disney movies like Aladdin, Lionking etc; furthmore, dialogues from Friends, Smallville and Star Trek (main bohat faarigh hoon)
206: Be able to relate to every song that you ever listen.
207. Had someone close to you hurt you so bad, SO bad... that it just stopped hurting after a while and literally gave way to numbness in the true sense of it's meaning.

Clouds

ever noticed how the sky is so so so so so beautiful? i wish the weather would never change..... well atleast not to summers... dull, hot, lazy summers.... i wish it would always be just neither-this-nor-that... or maybe a hint of winter here and there when God gets bored u know? and the clouds make pretty shapes....... if u look up there long enough with the right concentration u can see all sorts of interesting faces with a variety of vivid expressions....... pure delight! life is wonderful... :)

all | can do |s just pour some tea for 2... and speak my po|nt of v|ew, but |t's not sane

*sings* i believe in the sand beneath my toes.. the beach gives a feeling, an earthy feeling. i believe in the faith that grows... and the four right chords can make me cry. when i'm with you i feel like i could die and that would be alrighttt.... alriiiiiiiiiiight.........

hmpf

for those of u who think i have morbid thoughts, i SO do not! *frown*

*yaWn*

and so... it's another fine day... morning... night..... damn this confusion never ends does it? :P i'm in a goofy kind of mood... anyone ever been here before? where everything that could possibly go wrong with the world around you does go wrong and shows significant indications that it will continue to get worse until u can't possibly handle it anymore... as if it only wants to prove to u that it's much much stronger than u? (by it, i'm referring to the great unknown force that defies all 'good' if there ever was any and is the only perserverer in the evilness it injects into my veins..). but hey... deviating from the topic under discussion if there ever was one... isn't there a certain twisted fun in being just that tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny bit more evil then u were a day, a month or even a year before today? (cause u surely can't say u've been good in the past... or can u... ummm... or is that just me... errr... never mind :P... ) isn't there? awww come on, u have to admit there definitely is...... who can deny the gleee (i can't believe i used a word like that, but i can't for the life of me think of a word that could better fit the situation!) that crosses one's heart in that flash of a moment where the realization strikes u that you have indeed been..... evil? who can deny it? not i, said areej!

i said something mean to somebody today..... i hurt somebody today..... i didn't feel that happy sense of accomplishment i sometimes get out of being mean to someone i think well deserves it......... i didn't feel it today. does that mean i've been *gasp* a good person today? ............................... iiiiiiiiiii think not!i think it's just that sometimes you find someone or something in your life...... that u just can't hurt without hurting a million times more for hurting them...

u know what i mean? i think i'm asking too many questions today... *stretch*

Dramatized

Forgiving is forgetting
Not one without the other
Forgotten I have been
Never cared much for the other..

The past relives itself again
And though history may be repeated
Ignorance is anything but bliss
I dwell in special phases

Before is better left behind
Instead it is just me
Taken the place of yesterday..
Yes, pain becomes me...

Donned and dressed in tattered rags
Behond forever the new me
For every now, and every then..
Dramatized reality


- Reej

Dirt

Strange, peculiar, weird
'cause my mind is to you glued
I'd be so much more sane
If I'd chosen to be with you...

Is that it?
If I was okay.. would you give a shit?

Should I make the effort
Pull out the knife
Make myself so clean
You'd be the dirt in my life..?

Is that it?
If I was okay... would you give a shit?

Or is the hope another trick
Played in the act of raging..
You wouldn't be the ONE
If I were to go changing...

Is that it?
If I was less ME... THEN would you want it?

That's not right...
That can't be it..
If I was less me
I wouldn't give a shit..



- Reej

Tool - Stinkfist ... Inspired by -artificial flavour-'s Comment

Something has to change.
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear.

Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I wouldn't want you
Any other way.

Just, not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.


I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we'll be
Well upon our way.

Blend and balance
Pain and comfort Deep within you
Till you will not want me any other way.

But, it's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to.
Relax. Slip away.

Something kinda sad about
the way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?

How can it mean anything to me
If I really don't feel anything at all?

I'll keep digging till,
I feel something.

Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. Turn around and take my hand.