Growing up like me

I am back!

Hmmmmm, I'll bet no one really acknowledged the rarity of my existence while I was away exploring the non-depths of me... but I thought I'd announce my re-arrival (is that a word?) into the blogworld in bold bluey-greeny letters just to make myself happy! *smile*smile*

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds,
Strewn across a blue blanket..
I lean against the wind..
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy..!

So where have I been? I've been around the world... my own, that is. I've been on a trip to everywhere, explored all there was to explore in myself and the people around me...... needless to say that less was worth it than not! Someone I thought was a kindred spirit turned out to be just that... but the bitter realization struck me that maybe I just wasn't the kindred spirit he was looking for in his best-friendship with me... Somewhere, I could feel the long, bitter, achingly painful, with-a-lump-in-the-throat wait that he so patiently (and at times, impatiently) stuck by me through.... just to figure that in the end, I wasn't the person he thought I was. Someone who had adored me, swore by the things I said, the things I did... someone who worshipped not just the ground I walked upon, but also everything on it that I touched or happened to pass by... someone who could recognize me by the smell of my perfume from a mile away, someone who would spend countless nights awake wondering when he would see me next and when he did, regardless of the bitter, hurting words we had exchanged the day before, couldn't help smiling at the sight of my not-so-becoming, quite ragged appearance when he chanced to finally see me. I lost the most beautiful friend of my life. To call him a friend would be injustice... sacreligious injustice to his very existence in my life. And to realize after a period of over three and a half years of being spoiled by this individual, that you turned out to be the world's biggest disappointment for him is just a major bummer. Feels like someone has just slapped you in the face and brought you back to the reality (very harshly) that you really ain't all that and were never worth worshipping in the first place. Yes... *ouch* is the word I'm looking for here.

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone..

I guess it's true after all... when someone that important to you just isn't there one morning when you wake up... has just disappeared from your life but not entirely from your world.... you don't remember the bad things. You don't hang on to bad memories, grudges and exchanged bitterness. You can only hang on to what was precious and those could only be the good memories. And it's then that you realize how shallow the world really is. It's then that you realize that nothing was worth hurting yourself and others for,when in the end........ YOU JUST WON'T REMEMBER IT bhai! Putting it in simpler words... a year from now, someone will ask me why me and him just stopped talking. And quite frankly, I know I will feel stupid. And so will he. Because right now we know... a year later, we will remember.... and a year after that we won't. Who knows what will happen after that. Maybe it'll be a Hindi-movie reunion between koom-ke-melay mei bichray huay bachpan ke dost! Who knows *shrug*.

Hey, excuse me for being dramatic, but my life is no less of a drama than I am...

Well, okay... maybe just a little bit less of one... :/ Just a little bit okay?..

So that was one very long, very descriptive paragraph about God knows what (in the language of your thoughts, reader).

A natural high that I've recently discovered in all my lonely, friendless, lowwe-less, contemplative, pondering days of the recent past, is this: Sitting in a faaaaar off corner someplace where you can see almost everyone around you, and hardly anyone around you can see you... (or even if they could, they wouldn't bother looking that way cause you're pretty much non-existent remember?) and laughing at everyone who goes past you. Laugh at the way they walk, laugh at the way they talk, the way they think they're all-that, when they're really errrr... NOT? Laugh at the way they look at you when they realize you're looking, laugh at the way they think they're better off than lil-ol-you-sitting-in-the-corner-alone and the way you KNOW that one day the tables will have turned (cause that's what those tables always do, don't they?). And THATTTTTTTT, my friends, is my latest, meanest, cruelest, devillishly funnest high of the year 2005 and I only JUST realized how often I do it when I'm alone! *grin*

So I'm a loner. I don't mind. Cause after my long, hard journey through the life of Reej, at the end of the day, I breathe a sigh of relief. Relief of a higher degree, than the kind a mere sentence such as the one I just wrote describing my sigh, can really explain in its deepest context. Whether it's relief that it's over, or that it isn't... I'm not quite sure. A mixture of relief, remorse, bitterness, self-condemnation, inner satisfaction and.. and anything else that any normal (or not so normal) human being like myself has ever felt. It's overwhelming to feel so many things all at one time... and enlightening in a way. It's beautiful. I am content.