Hazy memories are all I've got left. I know most of the time I write from a third person perspective, but today I choose to write as myself, for myself and about myself. Why? Ummm... well, because I'm tired of explaining my twisted theories and philosophies and feelings from a universal point of view. I am not universal, why should my thoughts be? Time to become selfish... Let's see how well that goes for ME... hopefully as well as it goes for the rest of the selfish, unfeeling world. Yes... I am a bitter, bitter woman. No shit, Sherlock (:
I'm stuck in a moment in my life that I know everyone has been stuck in at some point in their lives or the other. But somehow, I feel it more. Why? Because I'm being selfish about my feelings today ofcourse... duh (: Plus, it's evident that I have lost all significant traces of a sense of humor too... even I don't feel like laughing at my own lame jokes today. *sigh*... wazzzAaaa? Okay, sorry. Wazza doesn't belong in a blog of such seriousness as my own. It belongs in my so-called 'real' life only, where my friends, family and other loved ones are the rulers and I am their puppet left to laugh at everyone's jokes, look out for everyone's feelings, and basically be a good little dog who can't really do much more then the occasional *grin* and the adoring looks when someone chances to pat me as they continue along their own pretty ways. Woof...
I'm standing in the middle of a whirlwind. Everything has gone so bizzarely wrong that I'm crouching down low in a circle of silence and emptiness where the world of people around me is revolving at a dangerously close proximity to my hiding place... bustling with activity, buzzing with the harsh words and bitter realities that life has offered me. Numbness. Is this what it means? When you're waiting for that disturbing circle of activity to slowly ease its way elsewhere and just... leave you alone? When all your life you've been the one that no one has paid attention to, no one has looked out for, no one has cared much for preserving the feelings of... and all of a sudden, when you want everyone to just leave... they all care all of a sudden? In all the wrong ways? And you find yourself... not appreciating the uncalled for concern.
I'm crouched down in my cave. I've been here so many times before. The walls that once so disturbingly echoed back all my screams of anguish, all of a sudden possess a glow of comfort. The tattered remnants of my memories that once brought tears to my eyes every time I chose to look upon them with loving eyes that once held a pool of longing for them, hold little meaning anymore. I scoff. I scoff in the faces of all those who were never there. I scoff at the times when I cried and nobody saw the tears that they are fighting so hard to keep away from my eyes today. I scoff at yes... God too. It seems as though it's a little late for You to realize I didn't deserve what you gave me back then. Is this the best You can do to make it up to me?
In my solitude, I have found eternal bliss. Get away from me, world. If the roads of my life should offer me a u-turn now that would have been a more-than-welcome blessing not even 2 days ago... I would reject it this moment and never regret my actions thereafter for once in my life. World, go away... I don't need you anymore (;
No comments:
Post a Comment