Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Who cares if I'm still a kid..
My favorite things:
1. A sheepish smile instead of flowers and chocolate as an apology after a fight
2. Dancing in the rain to the cheapest song in the world
3. Talking all night long over Oasis and Pearl Jam and then sitting on the rooftop to see the sun rise the next morning with a best friend
4. Knowing the right words to say at the right time... that rare, uncatchable moment that just never happens again and passes you by
5. The feeling of being loved
6. Meeting someone from my past, in the present, to find that some things (good and bad) just never change
7. Memorizing the lyrics to every song I've ever fallen in love with
8. Waking up in the morning and realizing there are still 3 minutes to go before the time my alarm's set at
9. Dancing like there's no tomorrow
10. Loving people who don't love me back, just to feel the hurt that makes me realize I'm alive
11. Crying over the tiniest of problems only because I know there will be a certain someone by my side catching my every tear
12. Writing in my blog or my diary in different colors, pretending they really mean something in my life
13. Compliments that only people I love give me, only because they love me... like how I look beautiful when I cry, and how I'm a darling when I'm angry... compliments that to other people are reasons to get totally put off by me
14. Seeing the smiles on the faces of my parents and the people that love me when I do something exceptionally nice for them, or something to make them proud
15. Gifts like a mobile casing I was in desperate need of, or a chocolate that I love that couldn't be found in any store in the city that someone bothered to find for me
16. Hugs when when they're most needed
17. Hugs when they're least needed and least expected
18. Spur of the moment love-confessions
19. Spur of the moment everythings
20. My best friend who hates me
1. A sheepish smile instead of flowers and chocolate as an apology after a fight
2. Dancing in the rain to the cheapest song in the world
3. Talking all night long over Oasis and Pearl Jam and then sitting on the rooftop to see the sun rise the next morning with a best friend
4. Knowing the right words to say at the right time... that rare, uncatchable moment that just never happens again and passes you by
5. The feeling of being loved
6. Meeting someone from my past, in the present, to find that some things (good and bad) just never change
7. Memorizing the lyrics to every song I've ever fallen in love with
8. Waking up in the morning and realizing there are still 3 minutes to go before the time my alarm's set at
9. Dancing like there's no tomorrow
10. Loving people who don't love me back, just to feel the hurt that makes me realize I'm alive
11. Crying over the tiniest of problems only because I know there will be a certain someone by my side catching my every tear
12. Writing in my blog or my diary in different colors, pretending they really mean something in my life
13. Compliments that only people I love give me, only because they love me... like how I look beautiful when I cry, and how I'm a darling when I'm angry... compliments that to other people are reasons to get totally put off by me
14. Seeing the smiles on the faces of my parents and the people that love me when I do something exceptionally nice for them, or something to make them proud
15. Gifts like a mobile casing I was in desperate need of, or a chocolate that I love that couldn't be found in any store in the city that someone bothered to find for me
16. Hugs when when they're most needed
17. Hugs when they're least needed and least expected
18. Spur of the moment love-confessions
19. Spur of the moment everythings
20. My best friend who hates me
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Express!
Please! For the love of God, express yourself! Speak your mind, talk to me, explain what's going on in that jumbled up universe they call your brain!
Why is it so difficult for you to talk to me? Why is it so hard for you to just come up to me and say 'hey, psycho, I need you, you hear me?... can you be there for me like I've been there for you a million times? Can you pick up the phone and call me like I've called you countless numbers of times just to hear you talk about anything and everything under the sun, most of which I'm not interested in knowing in the first place?'
Please learn to trust me the way I trust you. Can you, just once... just this once, give me 200% of your trust.
You don't need to gift-wrap your thoughts and feelings and don them with colorful paper, ribbon, glitter, gold and silver. You don't have to make them sound 'right' or 'correct' or 'nice' or 'good'... all those words synonymous to normal in the thesaurus of your life. Give it to me like it is, I will take it like it is and give it back to you the same real way!
Try!
Why is it so difficult for you to talk to me? Why is it so hard for you to just come up to me and say 'hey, psycho, I need you, you hear me?... can you be there for me like I've been there for you a million times? Can you pick up the phone and call me like I've called you countless numbers of times just to hear you talk about anything and everything under the sun, most of which I'm not interested in knowing in the first place?'
Please learn to trust me the way I trust you. Can you, just once... just this once, give me 200% of your trust.
You don't need to gift-wrap your thoughts and feelings and don them with colorful paper, ribbon, glitter, gold and silver. You don't have to make them sound 'right' or 'correct' or 'nice' or 'good'... all those words synonymous to normal in the thesaurus of your life. Give it to me like it is, I will take it like it is and give it back to you the same real way!
Try!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Growing up like me
I am back!
Hmmmmm, I'll bet no one really acknowledged the rarity of my existence while I was away exploring the non-depths of me... but I thought I'd announce my re-arrival (is that a word?) into the blogworld in bold bluey-greeny letters just to make myself happy! *smile*smile*
I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds,
Strewn across a blue blanket..
I lean against the wind..
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy..!
So where have I been? I've been around the world... my own, that is. I've been on a trip to everywhere, explored all there was to explore in myself and the people around me...... needless to say that less was worth it than not! Someone I thought was a kindred spirit turned out to be just that... but the bitter realization struck me that maybe I just wasn't the kindred spirit he was looking for in his best-friendship with me... Somewhere, I could feel the long, bitter, achingly painful, with-a-lump-in-the-throat wait that he so patiently (and at times, impatiently) stuck by me through.... just to figure that in the end, I wasn't the person he thought I was. Someone who had adored me, swore by the things I said, the things I did... someone who worshipped not just the ground I walked upon, but also everything on it that I touched or happened to pass by... someone who could recognize me by the smell of my perfume from a mile away, someone who would spend countless nights awake wondering when he would see me next and when he did, regardless of the bitter, hurting words we had exchanged the day before, couldn't help smiling at the sight of my not-so-becoming, quite ragged appearance when he chanced to finally see me. I lost the most beautiful friend of my life. To call him a friend would be injustice... sacreligious injustice to his very existence in my life. And to realize after a period of over three and a half years of being spoiled by this individual, that you turned out to be the world's biggest disappointment for him is just a major bummer. Feels like someone has just slapped you in the face and brought you back to the reality (very harshly) that you really ain't all that and were never worth worshipping in the first place. Yes... *ouch* is the word I'm looking for here.
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone..
I guess it's true after all... when someone that important to you just isn't there one morning when you wake up... has just disappeared from your life but not entirely from your world.... you don't remember the bad things. You don't hang on to bad memories, grudges and exchanged bitterness. You can only hang on to what was precious and those could only be the good memories. And it's then that you realize how shallow the world really is. It's then that you realize that nothing was worth hurting yourself and others for,when in the end........ YOU JUST WON'T REMEMBER IT bhai! Putting it in simpler words... a year from now, someone will ask me why me and him just stopped talking. And quite frankly, I know I will feel stupid. And so will he. Because right now we know... a year later, we will remember.... and a year after that we won't. Who knows what will happen after that. Maybe it'll be a Hindi-movie reunion between koom-ke-melay mei bichray huay bachpan ke dost! Who knows *shrug*.
Hey, excuse me for being dramatic, but my life is no less of a drama than I am...
Well, okay... maybe just a little bit less of one... :/ Just a little bit okay?..
So that was one very long, very descriptive paragraph about God knows what (in the language of your thoughts, reader).
A natural high that I've recently discovered in all my lonely, friendless, lowwe-less, contemplative, pondering days of the recent past, is this: Sitting in a faaaaar off corner someplace where you can see almost everyone around you, and hardly anyone around you can see you... (or even if they could, they wouldn't bother looking that way cause you're pretty much non-existent remember?) and laughing at everyone who goes past you. Laugh at the way they walk, laugh at the way they talk, the way they think they're all-that, when they're really errrr... NOT? Laugh at the way they look at you when they realize you're looking, laugh at the way they think they're better off than lil-ol-you-sitting-in-the-corner-alone and the way you KNOW that one day the tables will have turned (cause that's what those tables always do, don't they?). And THATTTTTTTT, my friends, is my latest, meanest, cruelest, devillishly funnest high of the year 2005 and I only JUST realized how often I do it when I'm alone! *grin*
So I'm a loner. I don't mind. Cause after my long, hard journey through the life of Reej, at the end of the day, I breathe a sigh of relief. Relief of a higher degree, than the kind a mere sentence such as the one I just wrote describing my sigh, can really explain in its deepest context. Whether it's relief that it's over, or that it isn't... I'm not quite sure. A mixture of relief, remorse, bitterness, self-condemnation, inner satisfaction and.. and anything else that any normal (or not so normal) human being like myself has ever felt. It's overwhelming to feel so many things all at one time... and enlightening in a way. It's beautiful. I am content.
Hmmmmm, I'll bet no one really acknowledged the rarity of my existence while I was away exploring the non-depths of me... but I thought I'd announce my re-arrival (is that a word?) into the blogworld in bold bluey-greeny letters just to make myself happy! *smile*smile*
I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds,
Strewn across a blue blanket..
I lean against the wind..
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy..!
So where have I been? I've been around the world... my own, that is. I've been on a trip to everywhere, explored all there was to explore in myself and the people around me...... needless to say that less was worth it than not! Someone I thought was a kindred spirit turned out to be just that... but the bitter realization struck me that maybe I just wasn't the kindred spirit he was looking for in his best-friendship with me... Somewhere, I could feel the long, bitter, achingly painful, with-a-lump-in-the-throat wait that he so patiently (and at times, impatiently) stuck by me through.... just to figure that in the end, I wasn't the person he thought I was. Someone who had adored me, swore by the things I said, the things I did... someone who worshipped not just the ground I walked upon, but also everything on it that I touched or happened to pass by... someone who could recognize me by the smell of my perfume from a mile away, someone who would spend countless nights awake wondering when he would see me next and when he did, regardless of the bitter, hurting words we had exchanged the day before, couldn't help smiling at the sight of my not-so-becoming, quite ragged appearance when he chanced to finally see me. I lost the most beautiful friend of my life. To call him a friend would be injustice... sacreligious injustice to his very existence in my life. And to realize after a period of over three and a half years of being spoiled by this individual, that you turned out to be the world's biggest disappointment for him is just a major bummer. Feels like someone has just slapped you in the face and brought you back to the reality (very harshly) that you really ain't all that and were never worth worshipping in the first place. Yes... *ouch* is the word I'm looking for here.
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone..
I guess it's true after all... when someone that important to you just isn't there one morning when you wake up... has just disappeared from your life but not entirely from your world.... you don't remember the bad things. You don't hang on to bad memories, grudges and exchanged bitterness. You can only hang on to what was precious and those could only be the good memories. And it's then that you realize how shallow the world really is. It's then that you realize that nothing was worth hurting yourself and others for,when in the end........ YOU JUST WON'T REMEMBER IT bhai! Putting it in simpler words... a year from now, someone will ask me why me and him just stopped talking. And quite frankly, I know I will feel stupid. And so will he. Because right now we know... a year later, we will remember.... and a year after that we won't. Who knows what will happen after that. Maybe it'll be a Hindi-movie reunion between koom-ke-melay mei bichray huay bachpan ke dost! Who knows *shrug*.
Hey, excuse me for being dramatic, but my life is no less of a drama than I am...
Well, okay... maybe just a little bit less of one... :/ Just a little bit okay?..
So that was one very long, very descriptive paragraph about God knows what (in the language of your thoughts, reader).
A natural high that I've recently discovered in all my lonely, friendless, lowwe-less, contemplative, pondering days of the recent past, is this: Sitting in a faaaaar off corner someplace where you can see almost everyone around you, and hardly anyone around you can see you... (or even if they could, they wouldn't bother looking that way cause you're pretty much non-existent remember?) and laughing at everyone who goes past you. Laugh at the way they walk, laugh at the way they talk, the way they think they're all-that, when they're really errrr... NOT? Laugh at the way they look at you when they realize you're looking, laugh at the way they think they're better off than lil-ol-you-sitting-in-the-corner-alone and the way you KNOW that one day the tables will have turned (cause that's what those tables always do, don't they?). And THATTTTTTTT, my friends, is my latest, meanest, cruelest, devillishly funnest high of the year 2005 and I only JUST realized how often I do it when I'm alone! *grin*
So I'm a loner. I don't mind. Cause after my long, hard journey through the life of Reej, at the end of the day, I breathe a sigh of relief. Relief of a higher degree, than the kind a mere sentence such as the one I just wrote describing my sigh, can really explain in its deepest context. Whether it's relief that it's over, or that it isn't... I'm not quite sure. A mixture of relief, remorse, bitterness, self-condemnation, inner satisfaction and.. and anything else that any normal (or not so normal) human being like myself has ever felt. It's overwhelming to feel so many things all at one time... and enlightening in a way. It's beautiful. I am content.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)