*Ahem*

Flu like mine + laryngitis + *cough*cough* = One miserable Reej

Who cares if I'm still a kid..

My favorite things:

1. A sheepish smile instead of flowers and chocolate as an apology after a fight

2. Dancing in the rain to the cheapest song in the world

3. Talking all night long over Oasis and Pearl Jam and then sitting on the rooftop to see the sun rise the next morning with a best friend

4. Knowing the right words to say at the right time... that rare, uncatchable moment that just never happens again and passes you by

5. The feeling of being loved

6. Meeting someone from my past, in the present, to find that some things (good and bad) just never change

7. Memorizing the lyrics to every song I've ever fallen in love with

8. Waking up in the morning and realizing there are still 3 minutes to go before the time my alarm's set at

9. Dancing like there's no tomorrow

10. Loving people who don't love me back, just to feel the hurt that makes me realize I'm alive

11. Crying over the tiniest of problems only because I know there will be a certain someone by my side catching my every tear

12. Writing in my blog or my diary in different colors, pretending they really mean something in my life

13. Compliments that only people I love give me, only because they love me... like how I look beautiful when I cry, and how I'm a darling when I'm angry... compliments that to other people are reasons to get totally put off by me

14. Seeing the smiles on the faces of my parents and the people that love me when I do something exceptionally nice for them, or something to make them proud

15. Gifts like a mobile casing I was in desperate need of, or a chocolate that I love that couldn't be found in any store in the city that someone bothered to find for me

16. Hugs when when they're most needed

17. Hugs when they're least needed and least expected

18. Spur of the moment love-confessions

19. Spur of the moment everythings

20. My best friend who hates me

Henna

I love Mehndi (:

I don't like the smell though *scrunching up nose*

Express!

Please! For the love of God, express yourself! Speak your mind, talk to me, explain what's going on in that jumbled up universe they call your brain!

Why is it so difficult for you to talk to me? Why is it so hard for you to just come up to me and say 'hey, psycho, I need you, you hear me?... can you be there for me like I've been there for you a million times? Can you pick up the phone and call me like I've called you countless numbers of times just to hear you talk about anything and everything under the sun, most of which I'm not interested in knowing in the first place?'

Please learn to trust me the way I trust you. Can you, just once... just this once, give me 200% of your trust.

You don't need to gift-wrap your thoughts and feelings and don them with colorful paper, ribbon, glitter, gold and silver. You don't have to make them sound 'right' or 'correct' or 'nice' or 'good'... all those words synonymous to normal in the thesaurus of your life. Give it to me like it is, I will take it like it is and give it back to you the same real way!

Try!

Random quote

Without Music, life would be a mistake - Nietzche

Growing up like me

I am back!

Hmmmmm, I'll bet no one really acknowledged the rarity of my existence while I was away exploring the non-depths of me... but I thought I'd announce my re-arrival (is that a word?) into the blogworld in bold bluey-greeny letters just to make myself happy! *smile*smile*

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds,
Strewn across a blue blanket..
I lean against the wind..
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy..!

So where have I been? I've been around the world... my own, that is. I've been on a trip to everywhere, explored all there was to explore in myself and the people around me...... needless to say that less was worth it than not! Someone I thought was a kindred spirit turned out to be just that... but the bitter realization struck me that maybe I just wasn't the kindred spirit he was looking for in his best-friendship with me... Somewhere, I could feel the long, bitter, achingly painful, with-a-lump-in-the-throat wait that he so patiently (and at times, impatiently) stuck by me through.... just to figure that in the end, I wasn't the person he thought I was. Someone who had adored me, swore by the things I said, the things I did... someone who worshipped not just the ground I walked upon, but also everything on it that I touched or happened to pass by... someone who could recognize me by the smell of my perfume from a mile away, someone who would spend countless nights awake wondering when he would see me next and when he did, regardless of the bitter, hurting words we had exchanged the day before, couldn't help smiling at the sight of my not-so-becoming, quite ragged appearance when he chanced to finally see me. I lost the most beautiful friend of my life. To call him a friend would be injustice... sacreligious injustice to his very existence in my life. And to realize after a period of over three and a half years of being spoiled by this individual, that you turned out to be the world's biggest disappointment for him is just a major bummer. Feels like someone has just slapped you in the face and brought you back to the reality (very harshly) that you really ain't all that and were never worth worshipping in the first place. Yes... *ouch* is the word I'm looking for here.

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone..

I guess it's true after all... when someone that important to you just isn't there one morning when you wake up... has just disappeared from your life but not entirely from your world.... you don't remember the bad things. You don't hang on to bad memories, grudges and exchanged bitterness. You can only hang on to what was precious and those could only be the good memories. And it's then that you realize how shallow the world really is. It's then that you realize that nothing was worth hurting yourself and others for,when in the end........ YOU JUST WON'T REMEMBER IT bhai! Putting it in simpler words... a year from now, someone will ask me why me and him just stopped talking. And quite frankly, I know I will feel stupid. And so will he. Because right now we know... a year later, we will remember.... and a year after that we won't. Who knows what will happen after that. Maybe it'll be a Hindi-movie reunion between koom-ke-melay mei bichray huay bachpan ke dost! Who knows *shrug*.

Hey, excuse me for being dramatic, but my life is no less of a drama than I am...

Well, okay... maybe just a little bit less of one... :/ Just a little bit okay?..

So that was one very long, very descriptive paragraph about God knows what (in the language of your thoughts, reader).

A natural high that I've recently discovered in all my lonely, friendless, lowwe-less, contemplative, pondering days of the recent past, is this: Sitting in a faaaaar off corner someplace where you can see almost everyone around you, and hardly anyone around you can see you... (or even if they could, they wouldn't bother looking that way cause you're pretty much non-existent remember?) and laughing at everyone who goes past you. Laugh at the way they walk, laugh at the way they talk, the way they think they're all-that, when they're really errrr... NOT? Laugh at the way they look at you when they realize you're looking, laugh at the way they think they're better off than lil-ol-you-sitting-in-the-corner-alone and the way you KNOW that one day the tables will have turned (cause that's what those tables always do, don't they?). And THATTTTTTTT, my friends, is my latest, meanest, cruelest, devillishly funnest high of the year 2005 and I only JUST realized how often I do it when I'm alone! *grin*

So I'm a loner. I don't mind. Cause after my long, hard journey through the life of Reej, at the end of the day, I breathe a sigh of relief. Relief of a higher degree, than the kind a mere sentence such as the one I just wrote describing my sigh, can really explain in its deepest context. Whether it's relief that it's over, or that it isn't... I'm not quite sure. A mixture of relief, remorse, bitterness, self-condemnation, inner satisfaction and.. and anything else that any normal (or not so normal) human being like myself has ever felt. It's overwhelming to feel so many things all at one time... and enlightening in a way. It's beautiful. I am content.

Some of my all-time favorites....

Quake Shmake

Why is God testing us this way? What was the fault of those innocent people trapped under the debris... some of which were taken out in parts, some in full... out of which some survived, some died, and some were left somewhere in the inbetween with missing limbs, tears and no prospects of a happy future to be found in the mists of later? Why? Why why why?

Being the selfish person I am, I immediatly find myself thinking..... they say that God picks up those people from the earth before their time, that are dear to him... He only brings suffering upon the people He chooses to forgive of sins and bad deeds. It makes me wonder, have I sinned so badly that God just didn't want to forgive me? That I was not one of the chosen ones not because of time or location, but because I was not worthy of being called up there to a better place than this one? What is it that defines our 'time to leave'.... How can it be right when a 17 year old boy is called up there by Him? How can it be fair to take from a father, a mother, and a brother, a little 5-year old girl who fasted for the very first day that day and called her brother up at Sehri time to tell him proudly that it was her first 'roza' not knowing that it would not even last one whole day? How can it be fair to hear the voice of a boy begging from under the debris, to be fed some food and sent some water through a hole.... and still not be able to find him? What did God want to prove to us by wiping out entire khandaans... and leaving just one innocent man from an entire family who was just by chance, gone for Umrah and doesn't have a single clue that he's the only one left (minus 1 single cousin) out of an extended family of 60? How does that do justice to the creation of mankind...? There has to be a reason... I wish I knew it. I wish that if God wanted to punish us for our sins.. for our wrong doings... he had punished us all and not just a selective few thousands.

The things I'm hearing. The things I'm seeing... I'm still calling and texting all my friends to find out if everyone is okay... praying that everyone is fine.

I wish I could text God and ask him to stop...

*Gulp*

It's that lump-in-the-throat sadness again. A wave of unfathomable nostalgia overcomes me. I don't know what it is I'm missing... but I want it back.

What have I become, my sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

It sounds so simple. But it's about more than just people and relationships and emotions and unreciprocated feelings, isn't it? Yup... it always is. It's more about the internal battle within me. Battle? I think the battle just sort of ummm dissolved a long time ago... I'm not quite sure of whether to be joyous of my victory, or to be confused as to why I floated above the dirt rising from the sword fight in the desert of time that I was, *dhuzz*, right in the middle of not so long ago. I'm not quite sure I like what I see from up here. I'm not quite so sure I don't. The second thought is the scarier of the two.

When did I drift into this oblivion. I feel very suspiciously... (and disturbingly!) like one of those Indian whatchamacallits that walk over burning coals and don't feel a thing, emerging on the other end of the road with a big toothy grin on their faces, seemingly oblivious of what they have achieved. Is it even an achievement, or my life's biggest loss.. the loss of feelings?

Can't complain.

It all seems real, but I'm dreaming.
It's all over, but I'm still reeling.

Yaay, I rhyme. I don't feel, but I rhyme..... it's progress...

I think.

Hmmm

'Hum bhool jayen gay woh yadain sabhi...
Woh rangon se saji huee jo dunya thee kabhi...'

Noori - Aarzoo

A must-listen-to song...

When is it really over?

Don't tell me that it's over and expect me to understand. Did you really hope that the fact that you're being honest about it, would really be of any consolation to me? It's all very cliched really. Childish and cliched. My entire life has been the very essence of the word 'cliche'.

Kill the beast inside, that wants to lock you in...
My love is my obsession... your hate, my only sin

And another one...

Before is better left behind,
Instead it is just me..
Taken the place of yesterday
Pain becomes me

Donned and dressed in tattered rags
Behold forever, the new me
For every now and every then...
Dramatized reality

Over the course of these few years, many tears and those uncountable times I compromised for you... did you ever even notice for a second, the emotions I was capable of feeling? Did you think that the only relationship that ever existed between two people could be only of 'love'? That 'cliched' word again? Heh... you were badly mistaken.

The spectrum of my emotions has a million colors more than those that could ever be made to exist in your 2 dimensional prism of black and white.

How many times have you told me it's over... the way a relationship is over, the way a boy and a girl say 'it's over' and walk away from each other content that for the first time in their lives they have done something, taken a stand for what they believed in instead of falling prey to that dangerous word they call 'compromise'? God forbid, you should ever have to compromise, right? God forbid it should be you who has to cry a river of tears and wipe each one away on your own, simply because you can not expect the other person to do what you are so good at... compromising. You belong to a different world, I tried to make you a part of mine because you were so dear to me that I never even noticed that we were made from different materials... you from dust and I, from stardust. I am 10 times the person you could ever even hope to be. Because I am capable of feeling things that you do not even know exist in the blackness of your starless sky of emotions! I am capable of seeing through every effing lie, every pretentious laugh, every dramatic goodbye, all the shit that you gave to me all these years.... I am capable of it because I am not black and white. I can be rainbowy and I can be gray... but I can not be black and white. There is more to life for me than relationships, tears, marriage and 'laav'! Fuck love.

Did you really think that I would not see the hatred in your eyes? Hatred. Hate is a strong word. A word most people think they know the meaning of, but never really can or will. That hate, the hate that only I have seen... was the only emotion I ever saw in your eyes. Apart from lust? Greed? Temptation? It was the only emotion worth noticing in the shallow non-depths of your cold, unseeing eyes.

Like I said... The spectrum of my emotions has a million colors more than those that could ever be made to exist in your 2 dimensional prism of black and white.

I am not from your world. You can never be from mine. Be gone.

*Ahem*

It didn't last very long

lol

(:

So much for that

;)

*sings*

Hope rides onnnnn
But I’ll go anywhere
Yes, I’ll go anyyyywhere with you
Tiiiime has gone
But I’ll go anywherrre
Yes, I’ll go anyyywherrre with you

Delicious! Life is just yummy (:

Last semester blues

I've got the last semester blues. Not the kind that are heart-wrenching cries of woe concerned with leaving the university where it allll begannnn... but more on the lines of, why didn't I study for 3 years and how do I fit everything I need to know now into just 5 courses! Ugh!

Managerial Accounting or Strategic Marketing?

What is up with majoring in something? I think I've majored in everything by accident, and no one even noticed.. not even me, till now! Matlab kay... koi help hee karday.

Born again

An unwanted child.

A child that was not supposed to be conceived. When conceived, it was decided it had to be a boy. Everyone had decided what they wanted him to be, what he would be called, how much they would love him and spoil him. 9 months were spent anticipating the birth of this more-than-welcome accidental conception, simply because he would be a boy and a boy always meant happiness in those days.

He was born.

He was not a boy.

He was she...

She was disappointment.

She was me.

Self discovery

I noticed a very strange side to my personality today. It made me realize why the opinions of the population of people who know me vary so drastically from one extreme to the other. Either they hate me to the core of their everloving hearts... or they love me with all they have (and wish they had, at times).

I have a strange Jekyll and Hyde personality (is that how you spell it by the way?!). When I talk, I've been told my eyes light up and you can see the happiness in them... the animation, in everything I say and do.... because I do it with that certain flair of excitement that gets me completely engrossed and overly enthusiastic about everything I do. At the same time, there'll be a million and one thoughts running through my head... most of them, not so happy after all. Let's start with an example. Monday morning was my first day at uni after summer hols... I had the time of my life... things were going great... I was my usual, grinning self with all the right words to say and all the attitude that came with being a happy, self-satisfied person. The same night, a wave of depression hit me and I began to cry...... cry like I've never cried before... complete with hiccups, red nose and emphatic noises (yup, not a very pretty picture if you've seen me without all that lol).

I'm bored... I don't want to write anymore... Good night (:

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

Hello...
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.

When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
There'll be no more -- Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working.
Good. That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

Satrangi

As usual, another blog inspired me to write on this. Makes me wonder if I really have even an inkling of a brain left in there. A big black hole where my mind used to be... help...

So according to this blog I visited recently in my search-for-better-bloggers... I came across a piece that shed light on the meaning of 'Satrangi' in Arabic Literature. Turns out that satrangi is actually the way the phenomenon of love is classified into 7 different categories (as opposed to our own theory of satrangi meaning the 7 colors of something or the other).

Hub - Attraction
Uns - Infatuation
Ishq - Love
Aqeedat - Reverence (respect)
Ibaadat - Worship
Junoon - Obsession
Maut - Death

And so, one begins to ponder over how easily the Arabs have put attraction, infatuation, reverence, worship, obsession and death all into one word that classifies the different stages of love right? After I entered my teens... reached the age where I became aware of that word, the phenomena and everything else that goes with it... I was forced to believe (either by myself, or by someone else) that attraction, infatuation, worship, obsession... and all that, are different... possibly lower forms of emotion and feeling than the supreme love. Always.. and I do mean always, I fought that internal battle inside me whenever I felt one of the above... thinking no, that can't be right... everything starts with attraction... everything leads to infatuation... its whether it gets past that stage that determines whether you're really in love or not.

This philosophy is new, and beautiful to me. It makes me feel less like a sinner... and more like a human being to know this. It's not hard to guess why..

Blog bliss baybee

I never write in a normal sized font.... why? I don't know why... I'm asking you, idiot.. :/

I'm sitting here searching randomly for blogs worth reading, and all of a sudden I came across so many that I couldn't copy-paste them fast enough into my lists of 'Thought provokers and interesting blogs'... or the 'Other insanity purges like my own' list..! Aaah, blog bliss baybee! ;) There is hopppppe yet for intellect in this worlddd...... to find people who KNOW what they're talking about.... or so deliciously, do NOT know what they're talking about that it just doesn't even matter at the end of the day! :) I r onnnne happy blogger bayBeE!

Superman

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do
And nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

-- Lifehouse - You and Me

I can already predict that this is going to be the most absurd of any piece ever written by the likes of me *grins*, I can feel it in my bones... but oh well... here goes....

I am broken. I am at a stage in my ever-evolving distress-scenarios of life where I need a rescuer... someone who will whizz me away on a jet plane far far away from the cruel remarks and bitter remorse of the world... someone who will save me... who will pick up all the scattered pieces of me... some of which will be impossible to retrieve... someone who will love me for every piece he picks up and embellishes with his own name. Someone who will fill up those missing pieces himself instead of trying to find them amongst the shattered ones that lay on the ground beneath where I once was.

I was once alive. I had a life, dreams, faith, hope... and above all, a personality. Now.. I just don't. Maybe the change in my style of writing can reflect all that I'm saying. Maybe it could more simply be explained by describing the key very-moving personalities in my life...

I know a boy with the eyes of an angel.. a soul that was embraced by one... and a voice no less than that which belongs only in dreams. If it were possible in any way to hear, see or touch a dream, it would sound, look and feel like him and him alone. A boy who knows everything... knows me... touches me to the depths further than others can even hope to see.

I know a boy with love that could shatter mountains, if only a feeling could move earthly objects. A boy who looks at me and sees someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with... a boy who would easily die for me and never look at me remorsefully if he chanced to run into me in another life. A boy who's eyes I can see myself and only myself in... a boy who even I can have faith in, who even I can believe the love of.... whereas I am the biggest disbeliever in any such phenomenon.

I know a boy with the dream of a home, a good job and of a wife like me. A boy who would steadily, surely and happily make his way through life knowing that I was by his side. I know this boy who dreams of marrying me, and making my life heaven if he could. A boy who believes I am the last girl that will ever be (or not be) in his life.

I know a girl who knows me better then any boy, or any girl, or any parent, or any sibling could ever know me. A girl who knows when I'm faking a smile, or pondering the actions of an unknown person infront of me, or wanting to say no but still saying yes, or wanting to say yes and still saying no. A girl who wants nothing more than to marry me off to someone..... anyone... that she knows and can trust with me. A girl who will never be able to see me give my life to someone that she doesn't think deserves me and can keep me happier than just happy.

So here I am... looking for my superman.... but I can't find him.
My dream doesn't want me
My eternal lover is my best friend
My faithful admirer does not understand me...
And my beautiful well-wisher is so incredibly far away, that I can't even call her half the time I need her to rescue me.

*sigh*.... So much for that.
I told you this would be absurd..