The sands of time

I know I've been blogging a little too much lately. I guess it all comes with the whole just-graduated-and-extremely-farigh scenario that happens when uni is finally over. You find yourself wondering why you were in such a hurry to complete your degree in the first place cause you sure as hell didn't study your butt off all these years just to sit at home all day, sleep, or bicker over home politics all the time... right blog? Right reej...

I've never in my life felt so insanely cold before. I never thought the word cold could be synonymous with the person that I am, the person I've always been. But ever since the loss of feeling I mentioned somewhere in my blog a couple of months ago... I think my emotion-meter has gone several readings below normal, and quite unsteadily too at that. There was a time when every itty bitty teensy weensy little issue I was minutely affected by would get to me immediately and I would begin to over-analyze. And when I over-analyze, I don't do it very quietly mind you... I make sure the people involved in this emotional 'trauma' (since every little thing was really a trauma for me) really know what I'm feeling. Subconsciously, I even hint at the ways in which they can make things better and undo the hurt they've caused me. Sometimes, when subconscious hinting doesn't seem to have any affect (which it usually doesn't, since many people out there are far dumber than myself which I didn't think was humanly possible!), I even break down and sometimes blatantly just SAY what I want the other person to do to make me feel better (as pathetic as it may sound, and probably be too... that is the way I am with loved ones - so sue me).

But for some strange reason, the predicament of my emotionmeter-needle has changed. Either its jammed in one place and needs a good oiling, or its just raised its standards to somewhere wayyy beyond the boundaries of the skies, because nothing effing affects it anymore! I'm not saying I don't feel things or I don't get hurt. I do.

See, there's a thin line between pain inflicted by someone who has done something to wrong you, and the pain inflicted by someone who has not realized that he/she has erred (or the pain inflicted by someone who doesn't care enough to undo the damage) which takes the hurt several notches higher than that in the first scenario. That thin line is also known as an apology... or a maker-upper. Is that where it ends? No... that's just the beginning. The really big complication occurs when the time factor enters the scene. It's like 2 people have started walking away from one another and the clock is ticking.... while you're still within the boundaries of the unstated time limit and the realization hits you that you've hurt the other person beyond words and you actually do something about it, there is hope of reconciliation, forgiveness and other such peace-regaining actions.

However... if you cross the boundaries of that time limit.... time just slips away and you never get the chance to apologize again. And even if you do, it doesn't carry the same affect it would have had you said it within the predetermined time range given to you by fate.

It's like that line from 'My Best Friend's Wedding'... When you love someone... when you really, really love someone... you say it right then. Just say it. Otherwise the moment just... passes you by.

The moment has passed you by. I hope for my sake more than yours, that I can forgive you again this time and be the same me I was with you before.