Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Drugs & Crossroads

I used to wonder what real happiness in the true sense of the word, really meant. I don't wonder anymore. Been there, done that. I wonder if it's true for everybody, or if it's just my warped sense of reality that causes me to believe that once one has been fortunate enough to have achieved a moment, an hour, a day, a month of true happiness (I have serious doubts that it could last longer than that), one lets go of the moment all too quickly. Happiness is not addictive, but misery sure is. There lies a certain comfort in being truly, utterly, miserable. If I may put it this way - one begins to develop a drug-like dependancy to that feeling of emptiness, loneliness... helplessness.

Just like a drug... not every kind can bring about the same reaction, nor live in the same timeframe. One can never really get the same 'high', or so to say, from the same feeling of misery twice. Atleast this one can't. I find myself never being able to make the feeling of misery last as long the next time the same kind comes around (as misery tends to do). So I experiment with my mind. My conscious, sub-conscious and unconscious mind. I find ways to see how far I can push myself... I can now achieve that surreal epitome of misery... that sublime point at which I feel like there is nothing there; no expectations, and absolutely no hope of ever coming out of that self-dug grave I continually dig deeper into for myself. Maybe I will reach a point where I have dug my grave of misery so deep that I can not come out of it. Maybe a night will come when I can not cry myself to sleep anymore; when I can't achieve my peak of misery... where I can not imagine associating being miserable with lost hope and mistreated, abused expectations. I suppose that would be the highest of all highs..... I suppose that would be the day when misery will depart and winter will shower me in all its chilly winds and icy rains.... I suppose that feeling of not being able to achieve even the lowest level of misery, not being able to make oneself hurt anymore, can be called cold. We will discover it sooner or later... sooner, rather than later in my case.

I can't wait (:

1 comment:

Rooj said...

beautiful, like always. u touch this thng in my heart :)

happiness is nt addictive maybe cuz it never lasts long enough to become a drug. it jst swishes past us, like a moment of magic, a second of absolute silence. like a prism that makes one ray into a rainbow but then falls back onto the same ray and becomes an ordinary piece of glass...