Febreeze

I haven't written in you for a really long time blogger, and I'm sorry. Boy, have I missed you!

Life has been a series of ups and downs lately. Being in a different country, not knowing what's going on and what all you left behind, not knowing what lies ahead of you, and not knowing how to cope with both can be the most difficult and confusing task in the world. Recent developments in my so-called life (or half-death) have left me feeling betrayed and unsure of what to expect. I know I don't deserve to dream. I also know I don't deserve to desire something that can never be mine, but it still hurts to see it about to belong to someone else. Does that make sense? I don't think it does. Lately, nothing makes sense. Okay, let's scratch the 'lately'. I think I say lately, lately, so it's not lately anymore... it's more like... all-the-time-ly.

How can you want two entirely diversely different, insanely opposite, utterly nonsensically impossible things at the very same time? I don't know if you can, but I know I sure do. And I also know that I have been the most focused, straight-thinking, crazily SANE person in the world all my life. And now I'm not. Or maybe I always was, and now I'm normal. I really don't know which way it applies, but nonetheless, I am at crossroads with what my life is offering me on one end (which is not so bad), and what I want to take from my life (which is just ooooh wow). I have my entire life waiting for me back in Pakistan and it's not like I've forgotten it or don't want to go back. I just want to stay here or go somewhere else and never look back again.

Only once in my life did I get to do what I really wanted to, with no boundaries or limitations or any form of guilt or regret or remorse for what could easily be classified as sin in the normal world. Only once in my life did I chance to meet a person who like me, was the most normal person in the world - who always stuck to the rules and made sure nobody got hurt. Yet, this normal person also became me in that instance and we together became two different people in one beautifully different world from the one we live in. Two people who lived their lives by the rules of others managed to do just the opposite.

I don't have the right to dream. But just for a moment in time, glazed in ice and freeze dried for eternity in the forever ticking clockwork of my mind - I caught a glimpse of heaven. You are my heaven and I will take you wherever I go. I might feel guilty for it for the rest of my life, but you belong here and no one can take you away.

Memories are like sugar-glazed cinnamon buns that finish up all too quickly, but leave that sweet stickiness on your fingers and in your mind for you to cherish and remember them for as long as you want to. Only, you can't lick them off or wash them away. Not even if you want to.