Some of my all-time favorites....

Quake Shmake

Why is God testing us this way? What was the fault of those innocent people trapped under the debris... some of which were taken out in parts, some in full... out of which some survived, some died, and some were left somewhere in the inbetween with missing limbs, tears and no prospects of a happy future to be found in the mists of later? Why? Why why why?

Being the selfish person I am, I immediatly find myself thinking..... they say that God picks up those people from the earth before their time, that are dear to him... He only brings suffering upon the people He chooses to forgive of sins and bad deeds. It makes me wonder, have I sinned so badly that God just didn't want to forgive me? That I was not one of the chosen ones not because of time or location, but because I was not worthy of being called up there to a better place than this one? What is it that defines our 'time to leave'.... How can it be right when a 17 year old boy is called up there by Him? How can it be fair to take from a father, a mother, and a brother, a little 5-year old girl who fasted for the very first day that day and called her brother up at Sehri time to tell him proudly that it was her first 'roza' not knowing that it would not even last one whole day? How can it be fair to hear the voice of a boy begging from under the debris, to be fed some food and sent some water through a hole.... and still not be able to find him? What did God want to prove to us by wiping out entire khandaans... and leaving just one innocent man from an entire family who was just by chance, gone for Umrah and doesn't have a single clue that he's the only one left (minus 1 single cousin) out of an extended family of 60? How does that do justice to the creation of mankind...? There has to be a reason... I wish I knew it. I wish that if God wanted to punish us for our sins.. for our wrong doings... he had punished us all and not just a selective few thousands.

The things I'm hearing. The things I'm seeing... I'm still calling and texting all my friends to find out if everyone is okay... praying that everyone is fine.

I wish I could text God and ask him to stop...

*Gulp*

It's that lump-in-the-throat sadness again. A wave of unfathomable nostalgia overcomes me. I don't know what it is I'm missing... but I want it back.

What have I become, my sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

It sounds so simple. But it's about more than just people and relationships and emotions and unreciprocated feelings, isn't it? Yup... it always is. It's more about the internal battle within me. Battle? I think the battle just sort of ummm dissolved a long time ago... I'm not quite sure of whether to be joyous of my victory, or to be confused as to why I floated above the dirt rising from the sword fight in the desert of time that I was, *dhuzz*, right in the middle of not so long ago. I'm not quite sure I like what I see from up here. I'm not quite so sure I don't. The second thought is the scarier of the two.

When did I drift into this oblivion. I feel very suspiciously... (and disturbingly!) like one of those Indian whatchamacallits that walk over burning coals and don't feel a thing, emerging on the other end of the road with a big toothy grin on their faces, seemingly oblivious of what they have achieved. Is it even an achievement, or my life's biggest loss.. the loss of feelings?

Can't complain.

It all seems real, but I'm dreaming.
It's all over, but I'm still reeling.

Yaay, I rhyme. I don't feel, but I rhyme..... it's progress...

I think.