matchmaking is the world's funnest activity (:

yaay!

...

I stole this from someplace... I'm not sure where, I should've remembered for the sake of preserving some respect for copyrights and such. But oh well... sorry to whoever's it was... it just says a lot about my life.

Which reminds me...

... that this is by far, the best movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

It must have had a lot to do with the fact that I grew up devouring, rather than just reading, the book by Roald Dahl throughout my childhood until I turned 18 and realized I was a little old to still be reading it. But then again... you're never too old are you? No sirree... not for this (: If you haven't read it, read it now.

Confession: I did shed a few silent tears when Charlie found the golden ticket... *looking down sheepishly*

And yes... Johnny Depp is just as yummy as chocolate itself... (: *sigh*

It's true.. I promise *sigh*

There is no problem so great...











that it can not be solved by chocolate.

Chemistry

After our terrible, terrible, terrible fights....

Me:
*walking into a space full of grass, people and air*
*quickly skimming the area for any signs of him*
... *disappointed*...
*spotting him... putting a big smile on my face and pretending to do the 'I couldn't care less' attitude thing I'm so good at putting on*

Him:
*walking around aimlessly amongst space full of grass, people and air*
*leisurely looking around for any signs of me*
... *disappointed*... *relieved*...
*spotting me... putting on a serious face and trying his hardest not to look my way at ALL*

... *failing miserably*...

Me:
*trying my hardest not to look his way*

... *failing a little less miserably than him*...

Him:
*damn... couldn't help looking*

Me:
*uh oh, he caught me looking... (followd by a sheepish look)...*

Him:
*blink*

Me:
*the hint of a smile passes across my mouth before I realize what's happening and I control the crazy urge to burst into laughter*

Him:
*trying not to smile... trying trying... trying really hard... uh oh, it's not working... let's try a different look then shall we?*
*tries to frown while trying not to smile*

... *fails miserably* :P ...

*a hint of a smile*

Me & Him:
*little burst of laughter escapes both our mouths at the same time*

All of a sudden, the world is a nicer place to be, the sun a brighter yellow and the sky a dreamier blue! Life is beautiful...

Chemistry.

*Ahem*

Flu like mine + laryngitis + *cough*cough* = One miserable Reej

Who cares if I'm still a kid..

My favorite things:

1. A sheepish smile instead of flowers and chocolate as an apology after a fight

2. Dancing in the rain to the cheapest song in the world

3. Talking all night long over Oasis and Pearl Jam and then sitting on the rooftop to see the sun rise the next morning with a best friend

4. Knowing the right words to say at the right time... that rare, uncatchable moment that just never happens again and passes you by

5. The feeling of being loved

6. Meeting someone from my past, in the present, to find that some things (good and bad) just never change

7. Memorizing the lyrics to every song I've ever fallen in love with

8. Waking up in the morning and realizing there are still 3 minutes to go before the time my alarm's set at

9. Dancing like there's no tomorrow

10. Loving people who don't love me back, just to feel the hurt that makes me realize I'm alive

11. Crying over the tiniest of problems only because I know there will be a certain someone by my side catching my every tear

12. Writing in my blog or my diary in different colors, pretending they really mean something in my life

13. Compliments that only people I love give me, only because they love me... like how I look beautiful when I cry, and how I'm a darling when I'm angry... compliments that to other people are reasons to get totally put off by me

14. Seeing the smiles on the faces of my parents and the people that love me when I do something exceptionally nice for them, or something to make them proud

15. Gifts like a mobile casing I was in desperate need of, or a chocolate that I love that couldn't be found in any store in the city that someone bothered to find for me

16. Hugs when when they're most needed

17. Hugs when they're least needed and least expected

18. Spur of the moment love-confessions

19. Spur of the moment everythings

20. My best friend who hates me

Henna

I love Mehndi (:

I don't like the smell though *scrunching up nose*

Express!

Please! For the love of God, express yourself! Speak your mind, talk to me, explain what's going on in that jumbled up universe they call your brain!

Why is it so difficult for you to talk to me? Why is it so hard for you to just come up to me and say 'hey, psycho, I need you, you hear me?... can you be there for me like I've been there for you a million times? Can you pick up the phone and call me like I've called you countless numbers of times just to hear you talk about anything and everything under the sun, most of which I'm not interested in knowing in the first place?'

Please learn to trust me the way I trust you. Can you, just once... just this once, give me 200% of your trust.

You don't need to gift-wrap your thoughts and feelings and don them with colorful paper, ribbon, glitter, gold and silver. You don't have to make them sound 'right' or 'correct' or 'nice' or 'good'... all those words synonymous to normal in the thesaurus of your life. Give it to me like it is, I will take it like it is and give it back to you the same real way!

Try!

Random quote

Without Music, life would be a mistake - Nietzche

Growing up like me

I am back!

Hmmmmm, I'll bet no one really acknowledged the rarity of my existence while I was away exploring the non-depths of me... but I thought I'd announce my re-arrival (is that a word?) into the blogworld in bold bluey-greeny letters just to make myself happy! *smile*smile*

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds,
Strewn across a blue blanket..
I lean against the wind..
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy..!

So where have I been? I've been around the world... my own, that is. I've been on a trip to everywhere, explored all there was to explore in myself and the people around me...... needless to say that less was worth it than not! Someone I thought was a kindred spirit turned out to be just that... but the bitter realization struck me that maybe I just wasn't the kindred spirit he was looking for in his best-friendship with me... Somewhere, I could feel the long, bitter, achingly painful, with-a-lump-in-the-throat wait that he so patiently (and at times, impatiently) stuck by me through.... just to figure that in the end, I wasn't the person he thought I was. Someone who had adored me, swore by the things I said, the things I did... someone who worshipped not just the ground I walked upon, but also everything on it that I touched or happened to pass by... someone who could recognize me by the smell of my perfume from a mile away, someone who would spend countless nights awake wondering when he would see me next and when he did, regardless of the bitter, hurting words we had exchanged the day before, couldn't help smiling at the sight of my not-so-becoming, quite ragged appearance when he chanced to finally see me. I lost the most beautiful friend of my life. To call him a friend would be injustice... sacreligious injustice to his very existence in my life. And to realize after a period of over three and a half years of being spoiled by this individual, that you turned out to be the world's biggest disappointment for him is just a major bummer. Feels like someone has just slapped you in the face and brought you back to the reality (very harshly) that you really ain't all that and were never worth worshipping in the first place. Yes... *ouch* is the word I'm looking for here.

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone..

I guess it's true after all... when someone that important to you just isn't there one morning when you wake up... has just disappeared from your life but not entirely from your world.... you don't remember the bad things. You don't hang on to bad memories, grudges and exchanged bitterness. You can only hang on to what was precious and those could only be the good memories. And it's then that you realize how shallow the world really is. It's then that you realize that nothing was worth hurting yourself and others for,when in the end........ YOU JUST WON'T REMEMBER IT bhai! Putting it in simpler words... a year from now, someone will ask me why me and him just stopped talking. And quite frankly, I know I will feel stupid. And so will he. Because right now we know... a year later, we will remember.... and a year after that we won't. Who knows what will happen after that. Maybe it'll be a Hindi-movie reunion between koom-ke-melay mei bichray huay bachpan ke dost! Who knows *shrug*.

Hey, excuse me for being dramatic, but my life is no less of a drama than I am...

Well, okay... maybe just a little bit less of one... :/ Just a little bit okay?..

So that was one very long, very descriptive paragraph about God knows what (in the language of your thoughts, reader).

A natural high that I've recently discovered in all my lonely, friendless, lowwe-less, contemplative, pondering days of the recent past, is this: Sitting in a faaaaar off corner someplace where you can see almost everyone around you, and hardly anyone around you can see you... (or even if they could, they wouldn't bother looking that way cause you're pretty much non-existent remember?) and laughing at everyone who goes past you. Laugh at the way they walk, laugh at the way they talk, the way they think they're all-that, when they're really errrr... NOT? Laugh at the way they look at you when they realize you're looking, laugh at the way they think they're better off than lil-ol-you-sitting-in-the-corner-alone and the way you KNOW that one day the tables will have turned (cause that's what those tables always do, don't they?). And THATTTTTTTT, my friends, is my latest, meanest, cruelest, devillishly funnest high of the year 2005 and I only JUST realized how often I do it when I'm alone! *grin*

So I'm a loner. I don't mind. Cause after my long, hard journey through the life of Reej, at the end of the day, I breathe a sigh of relief. Relief of a higher degree, than the kind a mere sentence such as the one I just wrote describing my sigh, can really explain in its deepest context. Whether it's relief that it's over, or that it isn't... I'm not quite sure. A mixture of relief, remorse, bitterness, self-condemnation, inner satisfaction and.. and anything else that any normal (or not so normal) human being like myself has ever felt. It's overwhelming to feel so many things all at one time... and enlightening in a way. It's beautiful. I am content.

Some of my all-time favorites....

Quake Shmake

Why is God testing us this way? What was the fault of those innocent people trapped under the debris... some of which were taken out in parts, some in full... out of which some survived, some died, and some were left somewhere in the inbetween with missing limbs, tears and no prospects of a happy future to be found in the mists of later? Why? Why why why?

Being the selfish person I am, I immediatly find myself thinking..... they say that God picks up those people from the earth before their time, that are dear to him... He only brings suffering upon the people He chooses to forgive of sins and bad deeds. It makes me wonder, have I sinned so badly that God just didn't want to forgive me? That I was not one of the chosen ones not because of time or location, but because I was not worthy of being called up there to a better place than this one? What is it that defines our 'time to leave'.... How can it be right when a 17 year old boy is called up there by Him? How can it be fair to take from a father, a mother, and a brother, a little 5-year old girl who fasted for the very first day that day and called her brother up at Sehri time to tell him proudly that it was her first 'roza' not knowing that it would not even last one whole day? How can it be fair to hear the voice of a boy begging from under the debris, to be fed some food and sent some water through a hole.... and still not be able to find him? What did God want to prove to us by wiping out entire khandaans... and leaving just one innocent man from an entire family who was just by chance, gone for Umrah and doesn't have a single clue that he's the only one left (minus 1 single cousin) out of an extended family of 60? How does that do justice to the creation of mankind...? There has to be a reason... I wish I knew it. I wish that if God wanted to punish us for our sins.. for our wrong doings... he had punished us all and not just a selective few thousands.

The things I'm hearing. The things I'm seeing... I'm still calling and texting all my friends to find out if everyone is okay... praying that everyone is fine.

I wish I could text God and ask him to stop...

*Gulp*

It's that lump-in-the-throat sadness again. A wave of unfathomable nostalgia overcomes me. I don't know what it is I'm missing... but I want it back.

What have I become, my sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

It sounds so simple. But it's about more than just people and relationships and emotions and unreciprocated feelings, isn't it? Yup... it always is. It's more about the internal battle within me. Battle? I think the battle just sort of ummm dissolved a long time ago... I'm not quite sure of whether to be joyous of my victory, or to be confused as to why I floated above the dirt rising from the sword fight in the desert of time that I was, *dhuzz*, right in the middle of not so long ago. I'm not quite sure I like what I see from up here. I'm not quite so sure I don't. The second thought is the scarier of the two.

When did I drift into this oblivion. I feel very suspiciously... (and disturbingly!) like one of those Indian whatchamacallits that walk over burning coals and don't feel a thing, emerging on the other end of the road with a big toothy grin on their faces, seemingly oblivious of what they have achieved. Is it even an achievement, or my life's biggest loss.. the loss of feelings?

Can't complain.

It all seems real, but I'm dreaming.
It's all over, but I'm still reeling.

Yaay, I rhyme. I don't feel, but I rhyme..... it's progress...

I think.

Hmmm

'Hum bhool jayen gay woh yadain sabhi...
Woh rangon se saji huee jo dunya thee kabhi...'

Noori - Aarzoo

A must-listen-to song...

When is it really over?

Don't tell me that it's over and expect me to understand. Did you really hope that the fact that you're being honest about it, would really be of any consolation to me? It's all very cliched really. Childish and cliched. My entire life has been the very essence of the word 'cliche'.

Kill the beast inside, that wants to lock you in...
My love is my obsession... your hate, my only sin

And another one...

Before is better left behind,
Instead it is just me..
Taken the place of yesterday
Pain becomes me

Donned and dressed in tattered rags
Behold forever, the new me
For every now and every then...
Dramatized reality

Over the course of these few years, many tears and those uncountable times I compromised for you... did you ever even notice for a second, the emotions I was capable of feeling? Did you think that the only relationship that ever existed between two people could be only of 'love'? That 'cliched' word again? Heh... you were badly mistaken.

The spectrum of my emotions has a million colors more than those that could ever be made to exist in your 2 dimensional prism of black and white.

How many times have you told me it's over... the way a relationship is over, the way a boy and a girl say 'it's over' and walk away from each other content that for the first time in their lives they have done something, taken a stand for what they believed in instead of falling prey to that dangerous word they call 'compromise'? God forbid, you should ever have to compromise, right? God forbid it should be you who has to cry a river of tears and wipe each one away on your own, simply because you can not expect the other person to do what you are so good at... compromising. You belong to a different world, I tried to make you a part of mine because you were so dear to me that I never even noticed that we were made from different materials... you from dust and I, from stardust. I am 10 times the person you could ever even hope to be. Because I am capable of feeling things that you do not even know exist in the blackness of your starless sky of emotions! I am capable of seeing through every effing lie, every pretentious laugh, every dramatic goodbye, all the shit that you gave to me all these years.... I am capable of it because I am not black and white. I can be rainbowy and I can be gray... but I can not be black and white. There is more to life for me than relationships, tears, marriage and 'laav'! Fuck love.

Did you really think that I would not see the hatred in your eyes? Hatred. Hate is a strong word. A word most people think they know the meaning of, but never really can or will. That hate, the hate that only I have seen... was the only emotion I ever saw in your eyes. Apart from lust? Greed? Temptation? It was the only emotion worth noticing in the shallow non-depths of your cold, unseeing eyes.

Like I said... The spectrum of my emotions has a million colors more than those that could ever be made to exist in your 2 dimensional prism of black and white.

I am not from your world. You can never be from mine. Be gone.

*Ahem*

It didn't last very long

lol

(:

So much for that

;)

*sings*

Hope rides onnnnn
But I’ll go anywhere
Yes, I’ll go anyyyywhere with you
Tiiiime has gone
But I’ll go anywherrre
Yes, I’ll go anyyywherrre with you

Delicious! Life is just yummy (:

Last semester blues

I've got the last semester blues. Not the kind that are heart-wrenching cries of woe concerned with leaving the university where it allll begannnn... but more on the lines of, why didn't I study for 3 years and how do I fit everything I need to know now into just 5 courses! Ugh!

Managerial Accounting or Strategic Marketing?

What is up with majoring in something? I think I've majored in everything by accident, and no one even noticed.. not even me, till now! Matlab kay... koi help hee karday.

Born again

An unwanted child.

A child that was not supposed to be conceived. When conceived, it was decided it had to be a boy. Everyone had decided what they wanted him to be, what he would be called, how much they would love him and spoil him. 9 months were spent anticipating the birth of this more-than-welcome accidental conception, simply because he would be a boy and a boy always meant happiness in those days.

He was born.

He was not a boy.

He was she...

She was disappointment.

She was me.